Today is the start to my last round of chemo. This means I spend most of the day prepping: giving myself some self-care by way of an at-home facial using my favorite mask. Drinking a TON of water. Eating dinner by 6, and not eating again until breakfast. Chemo, in my case, must be taken on an empty stomach. I am used to this routine. A routine I developed to cope. To cope with the reality of my having cancer. To live alongside my diagnosis, not become my diagnosis.
I feel lots of relief that I’m “done” (I still need to do quarterly MRI’s, indefinitely). Sadness that I had to halt my life to beat this and that becoming a patient was one of the hardest things I had to do. I never wanted to see myself as a “patient/survivor/victim”. However, there were days of utter fatigue, doubt, anger, and weakness that required me to, allow my body to truly rest and heal. I have never slept more; I clock in about 8–10 hours a night, especially during chemo.
The patient side of me has reminded me to step back and when needed, rest. Stop thinking, stop wondering what you’d be doing if you were not fatigued and nauseous. Learn to say no and put yourself first. As a people pleaser that was the hardest thing to do.
